A More Light-Hearted Post...

Looking back on my posts, I realize that the past several have been extremely heavy.  I feel like I need to spend some time talking about what good is going on in my life.

Leaving my position as pastor is proving every day to be a good decision.  It was a hard one to make, and not one that I made whimsically or even happily.  But the returns from that decision, and the rest I've gotten because of it, have been much needed and wonderful.

I spent yesterday afternoon rolling on the floor playing with Brayson and Mandy.  I watched him laugh at the goofy faces I made, trip over himself as he slowly tried to understand the mechanics of walking (not there yet, but getting close!!), and give the biggest grin when he heard his Mama talk.  He was twenty pounds of pure joy, and I soaked up every second of it that I could.

Brayson's 11 months old today.  1 month short of the Big Time!!

I've spent a lot of time asking some hard questions about my faith.  And the answers I've found have been enlightening.  I think my relationship with Christ, although difficult and a struggle at times, is the best its been in years.  I don't have all the answers, and some answers I may never have, but the journey to find those answers has been edifying so far, and I look forward to where it will lead me and my family next.

Every time I'm asked to step out on faith, there's always that nagging fear that maybe I'm wrong, that things are about to fall apart.  But so far, things have actually been falling together.  I feel....aligned...in ways I haven't in a long time.

God is good, both in the land that is plentiful and the desert place.  Even if nothing was going right, God would still be good.  But, for now, He has chosen to place me in the plentiful land.  And I am grateful for it.

Motivations...

My last post was somewhat heavy, and a lot of people had opinions on what I had to say.  I feel like a little background to the post may be warranted.

My dad and I are going to the Kingdom Man Conference this weekend.  I'm really looking forward to it.  But not for the usual reasons.  Dr. Tony Evans, I'm sure, is a great speaker.  And Shane and Shane leading worship is a guarantee that it will be a night to remember.  But that's not what I'm most excited about.

The topic of the whole conference is Biblical manhood--how to be a man of God and how to measure our "manliness" according to His standards.  It's a topic that has been in the forefront of my mind for months now.

Why?  Because of Brayson.  As he grows older, it's going to be my responsibility to teach him what it means to be a man.  What he thinks a man is, how he views manhood, for good or bad, is going to be directly affected by how he sees me live my life.  And I want to give him his best chance.

I pray every night that one day Brayson will come to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ.  And when that day comes, he's going to need community.  He's going to need to walk with others as he grows in his relationship with Christ.  "There is no such thing as a Lone Ranger Christian," my former pastor used to say.  He needs community to help him grow.

What I don't want for him is for his relationship with Christ to become a sanitized, habitual, obligatory duty to be performed once a week and then forgotten until the next Sunday.  I don't want him to measure his relationship with Christ based on a checklist that even the lost could keep up with.  I want him to desire a righteousness that "surpasses the Pharisees" (Matthew 5:20).  I want him to "throw off everything that hinders" him (Hebrews 12:1).  I want his relationship with Christ to be something so central that it permeates to every part of his life, from the clothes he wears to the classes he takes to the food he eats to the games he plays.  But, lately, it seems that those in a body of believers who truly desire a radical, life-altering relationship with Christ are overshadowed and ostracized by those who desire homeostasis, control, and prestige.  And the only response people have when that is brought to their attention is "yeah, well, no church is perfect."  No desire for change, no yearning to be better than what we are.  Just a simple, defeated attitude that this is as good as its ever going to get.  It scares me to think of sending my son out into that.  Because that's what happened to those two families I mentioned, and they are suffering for it.

I realize that no church is perfect, that there are always going to be problems no matter where I go.  But I can't just sit here and hope that Brayson can make the best out of what's out there.  I want to give him his best chance, and that means I can't just sit on the sidelines and accept things as they are.  In the words of Ross King, "smaller victories will never be all right with me, 'cause I've got my intentions set on bigger things than that."

We'll be moving to Shreveport soon, and once we get there, it's going to be a while before Mandy and I decide to be part of any church.  I'm less concerned about having my name on a roll than I am about being part of a community that is actually going to follow Christ, even if it means stepping away from comfort and control.  Because I want to give Brayson his best chance.  And that is more important to me than a lifetime of Sundays spent sitting in a pew.

Love me, hate me, burn me at the stake---that's where I am right now.

Stepping Down and Stepping Out...

We've had some major changes happen over the past week, necessary but still heartbreaking.  I read a friend's blog yesterday about "stepping out into the unknown" when following Christ.  My situation isn't nearly as drastic as his--he and his wife are going on an 11 month mission journey to serve the "least of these" in 11 different countries, and you can keep up with their journey here--but I can understand the feeling of moving forward according to God's call and not being 100% sure where that calling is leading you.

In case you haven't heard yet, I am resigning as pastor of Union Baptist Church.  The main reason is time--there simply isn't enough of it.  Between trying to be an effective Algebra 1 teacher, a good pastor, and a present and active husband and father, I'm not really fully present anywhere.  Instead of doing everything to the best of my ability, I'm really only giving a third of what I could be doing.  

Now don't get me wrong--I have a sermon prepared every Sunday, students' grades are updated in a relatively timely manner, and Brayson and Mandy spend time with me every night.  But while I sit at home, playing with Brayson, I'm thinking about all the people I should have visited before I came home and the sermon that, even though its Saturday night, still hasn't been finished.  And while I'm at church preaching sermons and casting visions, I'm thinking about that pile of tests that still hasn't been graded and how the responsible thing to do would be to skip out on my Sunday afternoon nap and get them graded.  And finally, when I get to school, I am flooded every class period with the results of a dad not being active in his child's life, and it makes me angry that I'm so distracted when I play with Brayson.  On and on the cycle has gone until finally, through long talks with God, family, and friends, I've decided to make a change. 

I have no idea what happens now.  I know I'm finishing out the school year in Sulphur Springs.  I know I'm moving back to Shreveport in the summer--when I feel lost, going home always seems to help.  But beyond that, I have no idea.  I don't know if I'll be back in vocational ministry.  And if I am, I don't know that I'll be in Shreveport when it happens.

There is one thing I am certain of.  Before God called me to be a pastor, before He called me to be a teacher--he called me to be a husband and a father.  Churches come and go, and education standards change every few years.  But I am always going to be Mandy's husband and Brayson's father.  And if there is one job I am NOT going to do halfway, it's that.

I realize a lot of you won't understand this.  It seems the assumption is that if I'm not employed at a church then I'm "falling out of the ministry."  But a calling to ministry is something that goes beyond an occupation.  I still am doing God's work.  The specific work I am doing is just changing.  To what, I don't know, but God will reveal that to me in His time.  

In the meantime, I'm going to use this opportunity to grow.  I'm going to study purely for the sake of edification and not because I have a lesson to prepare.  I'm going to spend time on my knees asking God the hard questions that I was afraid to ask before.  I'm going to dare to challenge my beliefs and hold them up against the Word of God.  I'm going to walk into the furnace, let all the impurities burn out, and let God shape me into what He wants.  Then, at the end of all this, perhaps I'll have a better understanding of exactly what kind of tool God wants me to be.  

One thing I do want to make clear...in a world where pastors are constantly leaving because of scandals and splits, that is NOT the case here.  I have nothing but love for the people of Union Baptist Church.  They have been very kind to us these past two and a half years and have shown us a love that I haven't seen in a church anywhere else.  They will always hold a very special place in my heart, and I will always look back on my time with them with fondness and love.  

So, as the title suggests, I'm stepping down and stepping out.  And, like Indiana Jones going for the Grail, even though I can't see the rock bridge under me, I have faith that God put it there.

Here.....we........GO!!!!!!

Keep Soaring (even if you have no idea where you're going),

B

I await the words that You say...

Got a lot on my mind this morning.  There's a lot that the Lord is dealing with me about.  Things that I've always known, some things I am only recently understanding, and some things I never will understand.  My head fills like a suitcase that someone tried to pack too many clothes in, and I'm trying to sort through it all to find out what's necessary and what I can just let go of.

I've been going through a complete paradigm shift in my faith.  It started three years ago, but it has really been going on the past year.  Not to worry, I still hold to my faith in Christ.  He is the way, the truth, and the life, and no one comes to the Father except through him.  I still hold to being saved by grace alone through faith alone in Christ alone.  I still believe that the Bible is God's revelation of Himself to man, and that anything anyone claims to be from God, if it truly is, should be in alignment with what the Bible says.  I just wonder if some of the things in churchdom we hold to so dearly today are really all that important in the eyes of God.  Or, even worse, do they actually hinder our growing relationship with God?

It's been no great surprise that I've always had a soft spot in my heart for people who left the church because they were hurt by the church.  I still have all the posts from my Advocate for the Outcast blog saved.  But when I sit down and talk with these people and discover what it is that hurt them, I'm ashamed.  Most of the time, they weren't sent away on matters of doctrine and theology.  They weren't in the middle of grievous sin and were held accountable to it.  Most of the people I see that leave the church leave it because what they hear preached and what they see do not go together.  I won't discuss them in detail here....no one would have the time to read it.  But I have to say....I really couldn't defend us to them, other than to say, "We're not all like that."

I think of my son, and how I am supposed to be a representation of God to him.  When he sees me, he is to see an example of how a follower of Christ should live.  And I fear for what my example may show him.  I don't want to teach him a Christianity where geographical location on Sunday and financial support of an institution is all there is to following Christ.  That shouldn't be the end all and be all for him.  I want him to have a faith so powerful that it spurs him on to live for the Lord.  I want to see him so amazed by God's power that he falls to his knees in worship.  I want to see him so desperate for God's presence that he closes himself off in his room so that he can read and pray.  I want to see his faith affect more than what he does on Sunday.  And I have to face the realization that, unless I model that for him, he may never know what that's like.

I covet your prayers.  I seek the Lord's wisdom as to what my response should be, what changes in my life I need to make.  I seek the Lord's wisdom as to this paradigm shift, and whether or not its Him drawing me close or my own head getting me farther away.  I don't want to take one step without knowing its in God's will.  But at the same time, I don't want to miss an opportunity to live like God intended me to.

Keep Soaring,

B

Late night thoughts....

For those of you who may not know...if it's two in the morning, and all you have to drink in the refridgerator is a Mountain Dew...just stay thirsty and forget the Mountain Dew.  Otherwise, you will not sleep, even on a night where your infant son is uncharacteristically calm and sleeping...

I go back to work soon.  To be honest, there is very little there that I am looking forward to go back to.  I am constantly slammed with contradictions and impossible situations.  I spend weeks doing top level assignments only to be observed on the one off day of the six weeks.  In an observation I am praised for my charisma in the classroom and my ability to hold a student's attention, and yet two minutes later I am told I need to not be in the front of the class so much.  I go to seminar after seminar about how students lack the proper foundations in math to succeed, and yet I am rebuked for taking too long on a topic to make sure the foundations are built.  The people that tell me to teach bell to bell pay money to hire a professional educational motivator, who then tells me not to teach bell to bell.  And at the end of it all, as much as I try to teach math so that life skills are learned, all that really matters is how well my students can guess on one test on one day.  Its not about educating young people....its about handing out as many diplomas as possible.  As I said, there is very little to look forward to when I return.

And yet, sitting here watching my little boy sleep....it all suddenly becomes worth it.  Watching his little chest rise and fall, I come to realize that I would do anything just to ensure that he has moments like this.  I would go to the bottom of a coal mine, fight the storms of a hundred seas, throw myself in the path of a thousand bullets, endure every hardship, pain, risk, danger, and disappointment known to man...just to make sure Brayson gets a good night's rest.  No matter how frustrated I get with the education system...for now, it keeps food in his mouth, a roof over his head, and clothes on his back.

So bring it on.  Give me the kids that don't do their homework and expect to pass.  Give me the naive parents who think their child is mankind's savior.  Give me the administrators so far removed from the classroom they can't remember what its like to teach at all.  Give me the state legislators that make standards with no concept how to implement them in the real world.  Give me a job whose pay is no where near the amount it should be for all the certification crap one has to go through to get that job.  Bring it all.  I'll take it all on, just so my little boy can sleep peacefully.

Yeah.....Mountain Dew at 2 AM is a bad thing.....Don't do it.....

Keep Soaring,

Branson      

Now a father, but still a husband...

Mandy and I had a talk the other night about taking care of Brayson.  As is normal for most newborns, his days and nights are mixed up.  So what ends up happening is Mandy and I trade baby watch duty.  One of us watches him for a couple of hours, and then we trade off.  Then, while one watches, the other sleeps.  It hasn't been a bad system.

Here's the thing.  Mandy said she didn't feel like we were doing enough together.  Granted, I've stayed up for hours into the night watching Brayson so she could sleep.  I've gone to buy things at the store, tried to keep the house reasonably clean...been very busy performing tasks.  But when it came to the two of us sitting down and talking with each other, talking about the changes in our lives, relating to one another...I've been somewhat absent.  My focus has been so much on providing for my newborn son, at some point I forgot I still have a wife that needs me just as much.

An important lesson, I think.  We've all heard about couples who stick it out until the kids leave, and then its divorce time.  They become so absorbed in taking care of their children that at some point they forget to take care of each other.  That's great parenting, but its bad relating.

Now, I know first hand that when a child comes into the world, things change.  Time you thought you had is gone forever, and it seems like you're just existing between naps and diaper changes.  But we're not doing our children any favors if caring for them makes us leave our spouses.  So, take it from me, its worth the time to put the baby down for an hour or two and be a couple.  If the baby's old enough, call the sitter and go out.  If nothing else, the two of you sit on the floor with the little tyke and the three of you play together.

I want to be the best father that I can be for Brayson.  Part of that is still being the best husband I can be to Mandy.

Keep Soaring,

B

Happy Easter...

This hymn seemed appropriate on several levels given recent changes in my life.  :-D  So I wanted to share a couple of verses from it with everyone...

"How sweet to hold a newborn baby
And feel the pride and joy he gives.
But greater still the calm assurance,
This child can face uncertain days because He lives.

"Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, all fear is gone.
Because I know, He holds the future,
And life is worth the living just because He lives."

--Because He Lives, Bill Gaither

Happy Easter Everyone.

Keep Soaring,

B

God is watching...

We had quite an experience today, and I feel like it would be wrong to not include an account of it on this little blog.

Mandy called me around 1:15 and told me that she was having contractions about once an hour.  After talking with a colleague of mine, and considering the bad weather that was coming, I thought it would be best if I went on home.  That way we could get an early start and beat the weather.

We make it to Tyler only to discover that a tornado had touched down close to Sulphur Springs.  I start calling church members to see how everyone is.  Come to find out that the school where I teach at was locked down, and no one was allowed to leave until 5:00.  So, if I hadn't left, we would just now be arriving at tyler, having to drive right through all the bad weather.

Thank God for his providence, for his protection, and his prodding through Kevin Tanton.  He really is answering our prayers and keeping Brayson safe.

Keep soaring,

B

In Memory of Bernice Waters...

Today my Mamaw was laid to rest.  I wasn't able to be there because of our soon-to-arrive baby boy.  And in all actuality, here is where she would have wanted me to be.  Still though, I wish there was some way I could have been there--to honor her memory without neglecting my responsibilities here.

My dad gave her eulogy today.  I know that he honored her with his words.  I even heard that at the end, my cousins spoke a Jewish prayer.  That was just like my grandmother.  Every time the family gathered for a meal, thanks were given to God in Christian prayers and in Hebrew.  I'm glad that a service in her honor reflected that.

The world is a darker place with her not in it, but thanks be to God that she is in a place where she suffers no more.  I regret that Brayson will not meet his great-grandmother this side of heaven.  But he will be told of her compassion, her humor, and her love of family.  And through those stories, maybe it will be a way of them meeting.

I love you, Mamaw, and I miss you.

 

Boykin Family Coat of Arms

As a pre-fatherhood present, Mandy bought me a copy of Raising a Modern Day Knight by Robert Lewis.  The book talks about how to teach your son to be a man that is honorable and and chivalrous in the way he lives and acts, not just towards women but towards God and everything else.  In the book, he suggested creating a coat of arms for your family that represents the ideals you want to teach your son.  Given my artistic hobbies and an interest in all things medieval, I thought it would be a good teaching tool to use as Brayson grows (and I hope that happens slowly!!)  Here's what I came up with:

The eagle represents nobility of character--in other words, someone who honors his commitments and accepts responsibility.  The allerions (clawless, beakless eagles) represent strength of will--someone who is able to control his impulses.  The fess (the green bar across the shield) represents readiness--someone who is willing and able to act when it is necessary.  The phrase Soli Deo Gloria is Latin for "Glory to God Alone."  When I sat down and thought about what a man of God looked like, these are the traits that came to mind.  And I hope and pray that as Brayson grows and matures (again, as slow as possible!!!), I'll be able to teach him these things, as both my earthly and heavenly father have taught me.

Less than a month left to go before my little man gets here.  Thank you Jesus for blessing us with him.

Keep Soaring,

B

Random neurons passing in my mind...

Brayson is 70 days away and counting...assuming he arrives when he's scheduled to, which from what I hear rarely happens.  I actually am starting to get nervous.  Its one thing to talk about what you would do if you had a child.  Its something completely different to talk about what you do now that you have a child.  It makes me take a hard look at what is out in this world and what I'm willing to allow in.  Suffice it to say if my son takes an interest in my hobbies, we'll be ordering his comic books online.

Had a very encouraging talk with a friend yesterday.  Nice to know that I'm not as crazy as I think I am sometimes.

When I was in college, my friend Joey and I watched Ruroni Kenshen, an anime about an assassin who turns a new leaf and vows never to kill.  In that anime, there is a general with a wife, and it is said of her that she is his sheath.  I never really understood what that meant.  And then God put Mandy in my life.  Sometimes its better to put down your weapons and study war no more for a day.  And sometimes the only reason a war is worth fighting is because you're fighting for someone back home.

"Dogs are forever in the push-up position."  I don't know what that means.  Apparently neither does Mitch Hedburg.

Keep Soaring,

B

Pencils, babies, Youtube, and kindergarten...

So a quick update on happenings of late:

Mandy got me a pencil set and sketch pad for Christmas.  I picked up a drawing set and tried my hand and utilizing the various shades made the varying hardness on the lead.  The result?  I had a lot of fun, and I don't think I'm going to draw the same ever again.

Went to another doctor appointment yesterday.  Brayson arrives in 85 days, assuming he gets here on schedule.  I find myself filled with excitement and a little fear.  Fatherhood is one of those experiences I always knew I'd go through, but actually being in it is something I can't begin to describe.  Looking forward to next month so that I get to see him on the sonogram again.

I'm sure you've all at least heard about the "Why I love Jesus but hate religion" video.  It's stirred up a lot of talk.  I gotta say I'm glad that at least some of his critics are handling their issues with grace.  Its okay to disagree.  Just be sure you do it in such a way that it shows love.

I've had to use some very elementary school style tactics to get my kids to behave.  The sad thing is--it worked.  Perhaps I've been overestimating the maturity of my students.

Until next time...

Keep Soaring,

B

P90X and such...

Sticking to my workout routine.  Still can't manage to beat 30 minutes in, but I supposed that will improve with time.  I'm not exactly Mr. Lean and Mean right now, so any improvement is worth it.

Got into the swing of the new semester a lot easier than I thought I would.  Its encouraging to not be completely dead in the mornings.  Now if I could just get my students to be just as alert....

Writing continues.  Having more fun with it than I thought.  I may actually finish this one.

Got some exciting new ideas for church this year.  Eager to put them in action and see what God does.

Brayson's arrival draws ever closer.  Got the nursery painted and furniture arranged.  Just need to do a couple of more decorating things and it will be ready.  My little boy will be here soon!!!

Keep Soaring,

B