A More Light-Hearted Post...

Looking back on my posts, I realize that the past several have been extremely heavy.  I feel like I need to spend some time talking about what good is going on in my life.

Leaving my position as pastor is proving every day to be a good decision.  It was a hard one to make, and not one that I made whimsically or even happily.  But the returns from that decision, and the rest I've gotten because of it, have been much needed and wonderful.

I spent yesterday afternoon rolling on the floor playing with Brayson and Mandy.  I watched him laugh at the goofy faces I made, trip over himself as he slowly tried to understand the mechanics of walking (not there yet, but getting close!!), and give the biggest grin when he heard his Mama talk.  He was twenty pounds of pure joy, and I soaked up every second of it that I could.

Brayson's 11 months old today.  1 month short of the Big Time!!

I've spent a lot of time asking some hard questions about my faith.  And the answers I've found have been enlightening.  I think my relationship with Christ, although difficult and a struggle at times, is the best its been in years.  I don't have all the answers, and some answers I may never have, but the journey to find those answers has been edifying so far, and I look forward to where it will lead me and my family next.

Every time I'm asked to step out on faith, there's always that nagging fear that maybe I'm wrong, that things are about to fall apart.  But so far, things have actually been falling together.  I feel....aligned...in ways I haven't in a long time.

God is good, both in the land that is plentiful and the desert place.  Even if nothing was going right, God would still be good.  But, for now, He has chosen to place me in the plentiful land.  And I am grateful for it.

Conversations...

I don't believe that God speaks audibly to people anymore.  Not that I think He can't, I'm just very skeptical of people who say that He has.  And if I'm wrong, then I pray God will correct me.

So when I say this was a conversation between me and God that I had yesterday, I don't mean that it was a literal conversation.  But if I had to translate into words what I was feeling in my heart, this is how the conversation would have gone:

Me: "I didn't expect to find you here."

God: "I know."

Me: "To be honest, I really didn't want to.  I didn't want to see you today."

God: "I know.  I came anyway."

Me: "...I've really missed you..."

God: "I know.  Why have you been pushing me away?"

Me: "...I was scared.  I still am...." (To clarify, scared of what I'm not used to.  I explain later in the post.)

God: "Don't be.  Come back to me.  I'll take care of everything."

And then I wept...

When I was in high school, I felt God when I called out to him.  When I was in college, I felt God when I called out to him.  During my time in Seminary, I academically comprehended the existence and presence of God, but I stopped feeling him, and therefore I stopped calling out to him as often.  I just learned about Him.  

Four years later, I'm only now starting to recuperate from that.  

I'm not saying Seminary is bad.  What I am saying is that it is very dangerous to lose the relationship aspect of your walk with Christ.  When it becomes an academic pursuit, or a routine, or a social expectation, or a culturally accepted ritual, then we miss the whole point of why God sent his son in the first place.

Jesus was sent so that we would HAVE FELLOWSHIP with God (1 Corinthians 1:9).  Fellowship is not rote memory, repeated process, obligatory actions, or achieving specialized goals.  Fellowship is a relationship, and with God, it's one that when you experience Him, you walk away from the encounter different from how you were before.  

I've followed God since I was seven years old, but I haven't had FELLOWSHIP with God in four years.  Praise Jesus that He started to change that yesterday.  

And I hope He continues to do just that.

Stepping Down and Stepping Out...

We've had some major changes happen over the past week, necessary but still heartbreaking.  I read a friend's blog yesterday about "stepping out into the unknown" when following Christ.  My situation isn't nearly as drastic as his--he and his wife are going on an 11 month mission journey to serve the "least of these" in 11 different countries, and you can keep up with their journey here--but I can understand the feeling of moving forward according to God's call and not being 100% sure where that calling is leading you.

In case you haven't heard yet, I am resigning as pastor of Union Baptist Church.  The main reason is time--there simply isn't enough of it.  Between trying to be an effective Algebra 1 teacher, a good pastor, and a present and active husband and father, I'm not really fully present anywhere.  Instead of doing everything to the best of my ability, I'm really only giving a third of what I could be doing.  

Now don't get me wrong--I have a sermon prepared every Sunday, students' grades are updated in a relatively timely manner, and Brayson and Mandy spend time with me every night.  But while I sit at home, playing with Brayson, I'm thinking about all the people I should have visited before I came home and the sermon that, even though its Saturday night, still hasn't been finished.  And while I'm at church preaching sermons and casting visions, I'm thinking about that pile of tests that still hasn't been graded and how the responsible thing to do would be to skip out on my Sunday afternoon nap and get them graded.  And finally, when I get to school, I am flooded every class period with the results of a dad not being active in his child's life, and it makes me angry that I'm so distracted when I play with Brayson.  On and on the cycle has gone until finally, through long talks with God, family, and friends, I've decided to make a change. 

I have no idea what happens now.  I know I'm finishing out the school year in Sulphur Springs.  I know I'm moving back to Shreveport in the summer--when I feel lost, going home always seems to help.  But beyond that, I have no idea.  I don't know if I'll be back in vocational ministry.  And if I am, I don't know that I'll be in Shreveport when it happens.

There is one thing I am certain of.  Before God called me to be a pastor, before He called me to be a teacher--he called me to be a husband and a father.  Churches come and go, and education standards change every few years.  But I am always going to be Mandy's husband and Brayson's father.  And if there is one job I am NOT going to do halfway, it's that.

I realize a lot of you won't understand this.  It seems the assumption is that if I'm not employed at a church then I'm "falling out of the ministry."  But a calling to ministry is something that goes beyond an occupation.  I still am doing God's work.  The specific work I am doing is just changing.  To what, I don't know, but God will reveal that to me in His time.  

In the meantime, I'm going to use this opportunity to grow.  I'm going to study purely for the sake of edification and not because I have a lesson to prepare.  I'm going to spend time on my knees asking God the hard questions that I was afraid to ask before.  I'm going to dare to challenge my beliefs and hold them up against the Word of God.  I'm going to walk into the furnace, let all the impurities burn out, and let God shape me into what He wants.  Then, at the end of all this, perhaps I'll have a better understanding of exactly what kind of tool God wants me to be.  

One thing I do want to make clear...in a world where pastors are constantly leaving because of scandals and splits, that is NOT the case here.  I have nothing but love for the people of Union Baptist Church.  They have been very kind to us these past two and a half years and have shown us a love that I haven't seen in a church anywhere else.  They will always hold a very special place in my heart, and I will always look back on my time with them with fondness and love.  

So, as the title suggests, I'm stepping down and stepping out.  And, like Indiana Jones going for the Grail, even though I can't see the rock bridge under me, I have faith that God put it there.

Here.....we........GO!!!!!!

Keep Soaring (even if you have no idea where you're going),

B

A double minded man...

I've been reading James 1 for the past few days, meditating on it and trying to apply it to myself.  The following keeps sticking in my head:

⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God,who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. ⁶ But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. ⁷ That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. ⁸ Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.

There's a story of two farmers who both needed rain for their crops.  One farmer prayed for rain and then turned and prepared his crops for a drought.  The other prayed for rain and then turned and prepared his crops for rain.  God sent rain to them both.  The point of the story is that the second farmer was more faithful because he believed God.  And the obvious rebuttle to that is the first farmer was being responsible and "a good steward" of what God had given him.

But after reading this in James, I have to wonder if the first farmer was being responsible, or just double-minded.  Is he being shrewd as a serpeant, or is he just suffering from doubt?  How many times do we ask God to provide for us, and then turn around and plan as though he won't act?  How many times have we missed out on a great opportunity for testimony because we had to do things ourselves?  Why do we even bother asking God if the second we leave His presence we act as though He won't come through for us?

I'm reminded of a scene close to the end The Grey.  Liam Neeson's character is lying in the snow, calling out to God to come save him.  And when God doesn't respond fast enough, he says, "@#%! it.  I'll do it myself."  If you've seen the movie, you know how well that turns out.  Either way, He calls out to God for help, and then gets up from that spot and moves forward like there is no God to call on.  His atheism makes that response expected, but the sad thing is that many times that's how I respond to.  I pray and ask God for help, for provision, for wisdom and guidance.  Then I turn around and start planning like its all on me, like I expect that God is not going to come through.

I act as though I doubt Him....

I don't want to be a double minded man.  I don't want to be "responsible."  I just want to be real.  I want to have the kind of faith that when I cry out to God, I sit and wait for Him to answer.

¹³ I remain confident of this:
    I will see the goodness of the Lord
    in the land of the living.
¹⁴ Wait for the Lord;
    be strong and take heart
    and wait for the Lord.
--Psalm 27:13-14