Stepping Down and Stepping Out...

We've had some major changes happen over the past week, necessary but still heartbreaking.  I read a friend's blog yesterday about "stepping out into the unknown" when following Christ.  My situation isn't nearly as drastic as his--he and his wife are going on an 11 month mission journey to serve the "least of these" in 11 different countries, and you can keep up with their journey here--but I can understand the feeling of moving forward according to God's call and not being 100% sure where that calling is leading you.

In case you haven't heard yet, I am resigning as pastor of Union Baptist Church.  The main reason is time--there simply isn't enough of it.  Between trying to be an effective Algebra 1 teacher, a good pastor, and a present and active husband and father, I'm not really fully present anywhere.  Instead of doing everything to the best of my ability, I'm really only giving a third of what I could be doing.  

Now don't get me wrong--I have a sermon prepared every Sunday, students' grades are updated in a relatively timely manner, and Brayson and Mandy spend time with me every night.  But while I sit at home, playing with Brayson, I'm thinking about all the people I should have visited before I came home and the sermon that, even though its Saturday night, still hasn't been finished.  And while I'm at church preaching sermons and casting visions, I'm thinking about that pile of tests that still hasn't been graded and how the responsible thing to do would be to skip out on my Sunday afternoon nap and get them graded.  And finally, when I get to school, I am flooded every class period with the results of a dad not being active in his child's life, and it makes me angry that I'm so distracted when I play with Brayson.  On and on the cycle has gone until finally, through long talks with God, family, and friends, I've decided to make a change. 

I have no idea what happens now.  I know I'm finishing out the school year in Sulphur Springs.  I know I'm moving back to Shreveport in the summer--when I feel lost, going home always seems to help.  But beyond that, I have no idea.  I don't know if I'll be back in vocational ministry.  And if I am, I don't know that I'll be in Shreveport when it happens.

There is one thing I am certain of.  Before God called me to be a pastor, before He called me to be a teacher--he called me to be a husband and a father.  Churches come and go, and education standards change every few years.  But I am always going to be Mandy's husband and Brayson's father.  And if there is one job I am NOT going to do halfway, it's that.

I realize a lot of you won't understand this.  It seems the assumption is that if I'm not employed at a church then I'm "falling out of the ministry."  But a calling to ministry is something that goes beyond an occupation.  I still am doing God's work.  The specific work I am doing is just changing.  To what, I don't know, but God will reveal that to me in His time.  

In the meantime, I'm going to use this opportunity to grow.  I'm going to study purely for the sake of edification and not because I have a lesson to prepare.  I'm going to spend time on my knees asking God the hard questions that I was afraid to ask before.  I'm going to dare to challenge my beliefs and hold them up against the Word of God.  I'm going to walk into the furnace, let all the impurities burn out, and let God shape me into what He wants.  Then, at the end of all this, perhaps I'll have a better understanding of exactly what kind of tool God wants me to be.  

One thing I do want to make clear...in a world where pastors are constantly leaving because of scandals and splits, that is NOT the case here.  I have nothing but love for the people of Union Baptist Church.  They have been very kind to us these past two and a half years and have shown us a love that I haven't seen in a church anywhere else.  They will always hold a very special place in my heart, and I will always look back on my time with them with fondness and love.  

So, as the title suggests, I'm stepping down and stepping out.  And, like Indiana Jones going for the Grail, even though I can't see the rock bridge under me, I have faith that God put it there.

Here.....we........GO!!!!!!

Keep Soaring (even if you have no idea where you're going),

B

Late night thoughts....

For those of you who may not know...if it's two in the morning, and all you have to drink in the refridgerator is a Mountain Dew...just stay thirsty and forget the Mountain Dew.  Otherwise, you will not sleep, even on a night where your infant son is uncharacteristically calm and sleeping...

I go back to work soon.  To be honest, there is very little there that I am looking forward to go back to.  I am constantly slammed with contradictions and impossible situations.  I spend weeks doing top level assignments only to be observed on the one off day of the six weeks.  In an observation I am praised for my charisma in the classroom and my ability to hold a student's attention, and yet two minutes later I am told I need to not be in the front of the class so much.  I go to seminar after seminar about how students lack the proper foundations in math to succeed, and yet I am rebuked for taking too long on a topic to make sure the foundations are built.  The people that tell me to teach bell to bell pay money to hire a professional educational motivator, who then tells me not to teach bell to bell.  And at the end of it all, as much as I try to teach math so that life skills are learned, all that really matters is how well my students can guess on one test on one day.  Its not about educating young people....its about handing out as many diplomas as possible.  As I said, there is very little to look forward to when I return.

And yet, sitting here watching my little boy sleep....it all suddenly becomes worth it.  Watching his little chest rise and fall, I come to realize that I would do anything just to ensure that he has moments like this.  I would go to the bottom of a coal mine, fight the storms of a hundred seas, throw myself in the path of a thousand bullets, endure every hardship, pain, risk, danger, and disappointment known to man...just to make sure Brayson gets a good night's rest.  No matter how frustrated I get with the education system...for now, it keeps food in his mouth, a roof over his head, and clothes on his back.

So bring it on.  Give me the kids that don't do their homework and expect to pass.  Give me the naive parents who think their child is mankind's savior.  Give me the administrators so far removed from the classroom they can't remember what its like to teach at all.  Give me the state legislators that make standards with no concept how to implement them in the real world.  Give me a job whose pay is no where near the amount it should be for all the certification crap one has to go through to get that job.  Bring it all.  I'll take it all on, just so my little boy can sleep peacefully.

Yeah.....Mountain Dew at 2 AM is a bad thing.....Don't do it.....

Keep Soaring,

Branson