Stepping Down and Stepping Out...

We've had some major changes happen over the past week, necessary but still heartbreaking.  I read a friend's blog yesterday about "stepping out into the unknown" when following Christ.  My situation isn't nearly as drastic as his--he and his wife are going on an 11 month mission journey to serve the "least of these" in 11 different countries, and you can keep up with their journey here--but I can understand the feeling of moving forward according to God's call and not being 100% sure where that calling is leading you.

In case you haven't heard yet, I am resigning as pastor of Union Baptist Church.  The main reason is time--there simply isn't enough of it.  Between trying to be an effective Algebra 1 teacher, a good pastor, and a present and active husband and father, I'm not really fully present anywhere.  Instead of doing everything to the best of my ability, I'm really only giving a third of what I could be doing.  

Now don't get me wrong--I have a sermon prepared every Sunday, students' grades are updated in a relatively timely manner, and Brayson and Mandy spend time with me every night.  But while I sit at home, playing with Brayson, I'm thinking about all the people I should have visited before I came home and the sermon that, even though its Saturday night, still hasn't been finished.  And while I'm at church preaching sermons and casting visions, I'm thinking about that pile of tests that still hasn't been graded and how the responsible thing to do would be to skip out on my Sunday afternoon nap and get them graded.  And finally, when I get to school, I am flooded every class period with the results of a dad not being active in his child's life, and it makes me angry that I'm so distracted when I play with Brayson.  On and on the cycle has gone until finally, through long talks with God, family, and friends, I've decided to make a change. 

I have no idea what happens now.  I know I'm finishing out the school year in Sulphur Springs.  I know I'm moving back to Shreveport in the summer--when I feel lost, going home always seems to help.  But beyond that, I have no idea.  I don't know if I'll be back in vocational ministry.  And if I am, I don't know that I'll be in Shreveport when it happens.

There is one thing I am certain of.  Before God called me to be a pastor, before He called me to be a teacher--he called me to be a husband and a father.  Churches come and go, and education standards change every few years.  But I am always going to be Mandy's husband and Brayson's father.  And if there is one job I am NOT going to do halfway, it's that.

I realize a lot of you won't understand this.  It seems the assumption is that if I'm not employed at a church then I'm "falling out of the ministry."  But a calling to ministry is something that goes beyond an occupation.  I still am doing God's work.  The specific work I am doing is just changing.  To what, I don't know, but God will reveal that to me in His time.  

In the meantime, I'm going to use this opportunity to grow.  I'm going to study purely for the sake of edification and not because I have a lesson to prepare.  I'm going to spend time on my knees asking God the hard questions that I was afraid to ask before.  I'm going to dare to challenge my beliefs and hold them up against the Word of God.  I'm going to walk into the furnace, let all the impurities burn out, and let God shape me into what He wants.  Then, at the end of all this, perhaps I'll have a better understanding of exactly what kind of tool God wants me to be.  

One thing I do want to make clear...in a world where pastors are constantly leaving because of scandals and splits, that is NOT the case here.  I have nothing but love for the people of Union Baptist Church.  They have been very kind to us these past two and a half years and have shown us a love that I haven't seen in a church anywhere else.  They will always hold a very special place in my heart, and I will always look back on my time with them with fondness and love.  

So, as the title suggests, I'm stepping down and stepping out.  And, like Indiana Jones going for the Grail, even though I can't see the rock bridge under me, I have faith that God put it there.

Here.....we........GO!!!!!!

Keep Soaring (even if you have no idea where you're going),

B

Now a father, but still a husband...

Mandy and I had a talk the other night about taking care of Brayson.  As is normal for most newborns, his days and nights are mixed up.  So what ends up happening is Mandy and I trade baby watch duty.  One of us watches him for a couple of hours, and then we trade off.  Then, while one watches, the other sleeps.  It hasn't been a bad system.

Here's the thing.  Mandy said she didn't feel like we were doing enough together.  Granted, I've stayed up for hours into the night watching Brayson so she could sleep.  I've gone to buy things at the store, tried to keep the house reasonably clean...been very busy performing tasks.  But when it came to the two of us sitting down and talking with each other, talking about the changes in our lives, relating to one another...I've been somewhat absent.  My focus has been so much on providing for my newborn son, at some point I forgot I still have a wife that needs me just as much.

An important lesson, I think.  We've all heard about couples who stick it out until the kids leave, and then its divorce time.  They become so absorbed in taking care of their children that at some point they forget to take care of each other.  That's great parenting, but its bad relating.

Now, I know first hand that when a child comes into the world, things change.  Time you thought you had is gone forever, and it seems like you're just existing between naps and diaper changes.  But we're not doing our children any favors if caring for them makes us leave our spouses.  So, take it from me, its worth the time to put the baby down for an hour or two and be a couple.  If the baby's old enough, call the sitter and go out.  If nothing else, the two of you sit on the floor with the little tyke and the three of you play together.

I want to be the best father that I can be for Brayson.  Part of that is still being the best husband I can be to Mandy.

Keep Soaring,

B

Random neurons passing in my mind...

Brayson is 70 days away and counting...assuming he arrives when he's scheduled to, which from what I hear rarely happens.  I actually am starting to get nervous.  Its one thing to talk about what you would do if you had a child.  Its something completely different to talk about what you do now that you have a child.  It makes me take a hard look at what is out in this world and what I'm willing to allow in.  Suffice it to say if my son takes an interest in my hobbies, we'll be ordering his comic books online.

Had a very encouraging talk with a friend yesterday.  Nice to know that I'm not as crazy as I think I am sometimes.

When I was in college, my friend Joey and I watched Ruroni Kenshen, an anime about an assassin who turns a new leaf and vows never to kill.  In that anime, there is a general with a wife, and it is said of her that she is his sheath.  I never really understood what that meant.  And then God put Mandy in my life.  Sometimes its better to put down your weapons and study war no more for a day.  And sometimes the only reason a war is worth fighting is because you're fighting for someone back home.

"Dogs are forever in the push-up position."  I don't know what that means.  Apparently neither does Mitch Hedburg.

Keep Soaring,

B

One of the best days of my life...

I rarely use this word at all, but there is just no other way to put it.  Today has sucked!!

It started with a bad dream.  In this bad dream, the mafia had managed to get my sister kicked out of the police academy and told me there was nothing I could do about it.  Kinda freaked me out, even if it was just a dream.

I get to school to find out I have two dads of two students (different families) breathing down my neck about why their sons aren't doing well in my class.  Because of course its my fault they don't do their homework.

Later in the day I find out that two of my students lost their father in last night's storm.  I don't like to say I have favorite students, but these two kids hold a very special place in my heart.  And now their dad is gone.

I was reminded that the anniversary of my uncle's death is coming soon--the uncle who was so full of life and had it ripped from him by cancer.  There are few hurts that go as deep as that particular loss.  

All day today, I've been thinking about how I should have just stayed in bed.  But then I was reminded of something else...

Five years ago today, I was sitting at my parents' house, waiting.  I had flowers on the table, a lasagna in the oven, and a ring in my pocket.  In just a few hours, someone I love very much was going to walk through that door, and I was going to ask her something.  And her answer changed my life forever.

Praise be to God, she said yes.

So, all in all....this has been one of the best days of my life...

Keep Soaring,

B