Trying to be a better me...

I'm reading through Kingdom Man by Dr. Tony Evans.  Excellent book, and it hits home on several levels.  One of which is realizing that as a man I set the temperature of my home (metaphorically speaking....Mandy is in charge of the actual thermostat).  Dr. Evans says, "You can't expect a summer wife if all you bring home is winter weather."  Basically, take responsibility for your part in making a home a good home.

In light of that, I've come to realize that I don't take criticism very well, even if it's constructive.  I crave approval, constantly looking for what more I can do to get it from anyone and everyone.  And if that approval isn't given completely, I get irritated.  I don't want to be told how I could improve; I want to be told  that I'm already good.  But I want you to mean it when you say it, not just give me lip service.

I realize that I can't have it both ways.  People either are honest with me and tell me where I screw up, or they tell me what tickles my ears.  And if I really want to be a better version of myself, then I need to see criticism as a challenge to improve rather than a sting against my pride.

So, instead of telling Simon Cowell he can suck it, maybe I just need to accept that I might not be X Factor material.  (Again, metaphorically speaking....I didn't actually try out for the X Factor.)

"Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses." --Proverbs 27:6

Keep Soaring,

B

A More Light-Hearted Post...

Looking back on my posts, I realize that the past several have been extremely heavy.  I feel like I need to spend some time talking about what good is going on in my life.

Leaving my position as pastor is proving every day to be a good decision.  It was a hard one to make, and not one that I made whimsically or even happily.  But the returns from that decision, and the rest I've gotten because of it, have been much needed and wonderful.

I spent yesterday afternoon rolling on the floor playing with Brayson and Mandy.  I watched him laugh at the goofy faces I made, trip over himself as he slowly tried to understand the mechanics of walking (not there yet, but getting close!!), and give the biggest grin when he heard his Mama talk.  He was twenty pounds of pure joy, and I soaked up every second of it that I could.

Brayson's 11 months old today.  1 month short of the Big Time!!

I've spent a lot of time asking some hard questions about my faith.  And the answers I've found have been enlightening.  I think my relationship with Christ, although difficult and a struggle at times, is the best its been in years.  I don't have all the answers, and some answers I may never have, but the journey to find those answers has been edifying so far, and I look forward to where it will lead me and my family next.

Every time I'm asked to step out on faith, there's always that nagging fear that maybe I'm wrong, that things are about to fall apart.  But so far, things have actually been falling together.  I feel....aligned...in ways I haven't in a long time.

God is good, both in the land that is plentiful and the desert place.  Even if nothing was going right, God would still be good.  But, for now, He has chosen to place me in the plentiful land.  And I am grateful for it.

Conversations...

I don't believe that God speaks audibly to people anymore.  Not that I think He can't, I'm just very skeptical of people who say that He has.  And if I'm wrong, then I pray God will correct me.

So when I say this was a conversation between me and God that I had yesterday, I don't mean that it was a literal conversation.  But if I had to translate into words what I was feeling in my heart, this is how the conversation would have gone:

Me: "I didn't expect to find you here."

God: "I know."

Me: "To be honest, I really didn't want to.  I didn't want to see you today."

God: "I know.  I came anyway."

Me: "...I've really missed you..."

God: "I know.  Why have you been pushing me away?"

Me: "...I was scared.  I still am...." (To clarify, scared of what I'm not used to.  I explain later in the post.)

God: "Don't be.  Come back to me.  I'll take care of everything."

And then I wept...

When I was in high school, I felt God when I called out to him.  When I was in college, I felt God when I called out to him.  During my time in Seminary, I academically comprehended the existence and presence of God, but I stopped feeling him, and therefore I stopped calling out to him as often.  I just learned about Him.  

Four years later, I'm only now starting to recuperate from that.  

I'm not saying Seminary is bad.  What I am saying is that it is very dangerous to lose the relationship aspect of your walk with Christ.  When it becomes an academic pursuit, or a routine, or a social expectation, or a culturally accepted ritual, then we miss the whole point of why God sent his son in the first place.

Jesus was sent so that we would HAVE FELLOWSHIP with God (1 Corinthians 1:9).  Fellowship is not rote memory, repeated process, obligatory actions, or achieving specialized goals.  Fellowship is a relationship, and with God, it's one that when you experience Him, you walk away from the encounter different from how you were before.  

I've followed God since I was seven years old, but I haven't had FELLOWSHIP with God in four years.  Praise Jesus that He started to change that yesterday.  

And I hope He continues to do just that.