I started this blog as a ministry to reach out to people who have become disillusioned with Christianity because of something a church did. So naturally, I try to put my best foot forward when it comes to representing the body of Christ, to show the people what Christ is about, not what churches think Christ should be about.
I also said I wouldn't water down the truth, that I would be honest and open and real. Well, that's the tricky part, isn't it? Because sometimes, when I'm open and honest and real, I end up confirming what the people I'm trying to reach are afraid of. So which is more important: honesty or keeping up the image?
I'm sick of images. I'm sick of molds. I'm sick of trying to bring people to a body that refuses to bend to reach out. I have a blog that, while not private, is certainly less accessible than this one. I was tempted to unload all my frustrations on it. That way I can say what I'm feeling without ruining the image. But that wouldn't be honest, would it?
What it all boils down to is a class, one class in my Seminary education--which thus far has brought more heartache than illumination--and a difference of opinion with my professor.
The differences are many, but going into every one of them would take too long. They all boil down to this: he has a certain idea of what a minster should look like, a mold that in his eyes a minister should fit, one that he cites as the "higher standard" ministers are called to be held to. And I do not fit that mold.
So the moral dilemma I'm struggling with is how I should respond to this. Should I adjust my beliefs and ideals to fit this mold that I'm being presented with? He's the one with the Dr. in front of his name, the lifetime experience of preaching and ministry, and the one holding my grade in the palm of his hand. He certainly has been in this ministry thing longer than me, so he probably knows more about what works and what doesn't.
But his mold flies in the face of everything I stand for. Come to think of it, the existence of a mold period flies in the face of everything I stand for. I don't believe that God is so limited that he can only operate in a Baptist, non-mystical, expository sermon to draw people to him. Yes, there are a lot of benefits to those things, but that's not the only way God operates. At least that's what my experiences have taught me. So should I just accept that I don't fit that mold and find something else to do?
Getting out of the class would be easy. All it would take is one honest conversation with the man to tell exactly what I think about his "mold," (not a hateful conversation, mind you, just an honest one) and I would be told that my heart is not in the right place to effectively represent the Gospel in the field, and that perhaps I should drop the course, possibly even Seminary altogether. And you know, that is very tempting. I know my heart's not in the right place to do what he wants me to do. But whose heart needs changing--his or mine?
Maybe I am too "mystical" for a minister, but those mystic moments have brought more clarity to me than a thousand traditional Baptist invitations. Shoot, some of those mystic moments have been during traditional Baptist invitations. But what I need right now is clarity. Clarity to do what is right. Not what I want, and not what my professor wants, but what is right. And I'm just having a very difficult time recognizing what that is right now.
So those of you who hate church to start with, please believe me when I say this isn't how it's supposed to be. This isn't what God intended, and this isn't what Christ is about. God is good, people are messed up. But I promised I would be honest, and this is what's going on...
Those of you who pray, remember me. Things that I have stood by since I was 16 years old are being shaken, and I'm not sure what's going to be left when the earthquake stops. Pray that I get the clarity that I so desperately need right now, and then pray that I have the courage and boldness to act on what I learn from it, regardless of where it takes me.
Keep Soaring, even when it means more flapping than gliding,
B
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